Stevie Ward claims his life “f***ing sucks” because of the injury hell that rules him out of Super League’s restart.
The Leeds captain still has no idea when he’ll be fit to play after suffering a head injury six months ago.
He says the vertigo, migraines and dizziness still strike so often that he is unable to train at a high tempo.
That, in turn, leads to mood swings and “feeling sht” because he doesn’t know when he'll conquer the concussion nightmare.
The 26-year-old forward said: “I'm not able to train properly at the minute. It f***ing sucks. I feel a bit useless because I can't fully partake.
“I am doing everything I can to get better but that doesn't make it any better to not be able to partake in what I want to do.
“I know that I have to accept what I'm feeling. Accept the mood swings, accept the feeling s***. I've got to accept the fluctuation of sadness and anxiety about my life changing.”
The Rhinos restart the season against Huddersfield today, in a behind-closed-doors double header with St Helens v Catalans at Headingley.
Ward will be watching on and willing his team-mates to continue the winning run they were on before lockdown.
He said: “Connection with the boys is the best thing I can get right now and the hope that we pick up where we left off before the lockdown.
“I've been part of Leeds Rhinos for almost 15 years. I'm only 26. I feel like a 40 year old though.
“I've always been all or nothing. I always feel a bit strange in the middle. I've always been used to an ultimate high or a real lull.
“The answer for me has always been to work harder. Ignore the voice that tells you to stop.”
But Ward says his head injury means that approach is no longer working, adding: "You can try everything. Completely chilling out, exercise, exercise at a certain heart rate, changing your diet.
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“But the concussion means that I can't go and do 'most of me' everyday. I just have to accept what is happening in my life right now.”
Ward’s proposed move to Toronto at the end of the season is now under threat after Wolfpack pulled out of the remainder of this year.
Leeds lost their opening game to Hull - the game Ward was injured in on February 2 - but won four on the trot before lockdown.
Huddersfield also won four out of five League games making today’s clash a cracker to kick off the rest of the season.
Leeds and Huddersfield hand debuts to Kruise Leeming and Ashton Golden respectively - both playing against their old clubs.